Sex Starts at Willingness
One of the biggest myths I'm having to dispel when working with couples or individual clients is how sexual encounters begin. The overwhelming majority of the time I find that people have come to believe that sex starts at desire: you know, “Am I in the mood or am I not in the mood?” This jumping off point is a trap. It's a trap because it makes a lot of assumptions about desire, and that desire is only sexually relevant when it's spontaneous. Like you're just washing the dishes and suddenly you feel like having sex. If this was the only way people had sex, I imagine there would be a lot less people having sex. When at least half of the population is more apt to be in the responsive desire camp, we simply wouldn't be able to have sex most of the time and would have to wait for all the stars to align before we do so.
This is why the most important paradigm shift I offer my clients is that sex begins at willingness.
Let’s begin by defining willingness: willingness is having the freedom, the agency to agree to participate in something or not. Note that willingness is not about the question of sexual desire. Willingness is about agreeing to engage with another consenting partner in any activity because we choose to. If you love musicals and your partner decides to go to a Broadway show with you only because they want make you happy even though they're not a big fan of musicals that's willingness. If there is any kind of coercion such as emotional manipulation, then we are no longer talking about willingness. If your partner is emotionally withholding because you didn't agree to have sex with him or her, then they are essentially robbing you of your own freedom to choose to do something for them or with them.
An analogy that's often used is that of attending a party: imagine your best friend invites you to a party and you agree to go. The day comes and it's been a difficult one at work or at home, and you look at your calendar only to be reminded that you had agreed to show up to your friend’s party. There's a part of you that would love to just stay home in your pajamas and binge on a show, and yet there's another part of you that agreed that you would show up at your friend’s party. So you put on a nice enough outfit and show up at the party. As you're mingling with the other people at the party you noticed that you were actually having a good time being with friends, hanging out, letting your hair down. Maybe going to the party wouldn't have been your first choice but you went because you were willing to go and allowed yourself to have a good time. That's willingness. But if your friend said “we can't be friends anymore if you don't come to my party and I'm gonna tell everybody all your dark secrets,” and you showed up because you wanted to avoid that confrontation, that's no longer willingness — that's coercion.
Let’s translate this to sexual encounters with your partner: you both agree that keeping your sexual relationship alive in some fashion is important to the relationship. Maybe it’s more important for your partner than it is for you, but conceptually you get the value of it. So at some given time your partner lets you know that they are interested in sex and in no uncertain terms, ask for your consent. The first question to ask yourself is are you willing to participate even though it might not be the first thing you'd prefer to do. Sex therapist Ian Kerner talks about a concept of a “Window of Willingness” — what he's referring to is not a yes or no I want to have intercourse. The question he's asking you to ask yourself is what kind of sexual activity am I willing to participate in? Your answer might be “Yes and I'm willing to…” That could be about making out, cuddling or engaging in an erotic activity like watching ethical porn.
That's your window of willingness — it's a spectrum of sexual activities that you consent to be a part of.
When you participate in activities that fall under your Window of Willingness, you're likely to find pleasure, connection, arousal and some sort of satisfaction out of those activities. This is how sexual desire builds over time : you want to do it again because it felt good.
So the next time your partner asks you if you're in the mood ask yourself “Am I willing?”
