Are you in a relationship with a covert narcissist?
There are a lot of diagnostic terms that get thrown out there and quickly become a catch all to describe behaviors that feel out of the norm. There was a period where I heard a lot of people describe others as bipolar or OCD or “borderline.” The new term I hear of a lot these days is narcissist. Maybe it’s been ushered by an era of having some undeniable narcissists running the world, but more often than not, it’s just another word to qualify someone as a jerk who is full of him/herself.
Narcissism, like any other trait, is on a spectrum (I am not talking about Narcissistic Personality Disorder in this article). You might have a pretty good caricature of a narcissist: someone with a huge sense of self-importance, focused on his/her self-interests, condescending to others, inflated ego, grandiose in their presence and language, quick to blame others, lacking in empathy — insert any image of a celebrity, politician, athlete, business mogul. When you put it all together you have a pretty clear picture of a narcissist. But what about the covert narcissist?
A covert narcissist is much harder to spot and significantly more challenging to work with in a couples therapy setting, because covert narcissists are frequently in relationship with an empathetic, deeply caring partner, or sometimes codependent partner, who believes that the narcissist if actually just an emotionally blocked person who can come out of the shadows if shown copious amounts of love. That very dynamic can keep couples, and the couples therapist, stuck for a very long time.
So, how to identify a covert narcissist?
A covert narcissist (CN), sometimes referred to as a vulnerable narcissist, is someone who embodies the following traits:
This person turns any conversation to make it about him/her — when a partner is wanting to share something about themselves, a concern about the relationship, something they want to work through, a covert narcissist will masterfully deflect, dismiss, defend or will placate only to passive-aggressively get their way. Before you know it, the conversation become about the CN and how you have hurt their feelings, how much pain they are in, how unfair and ridiculous you are being. The caring partner will be quick to apologize, empathize, and attempt to sooth the CN.
This person frequently plays the victim — related to the first sign, the CN is masterful at propagating a narrative of victimhood. “Poor me, my partner is never happy no matter what I do. This relationship is so unfair to me. I am constantly criticized. It’s never enough —- my partner is simply too demanding and unreasonable!” There a pretend air of fragility and vulnerability that belie a tremendous lack of accountability.
This person has an inability to feel genuine compassion — a telltale sign that you’re dealing with a narcissist is the person’s lack of empathy and compassion for another person’s pain, hurt, distress. Because the CN’s focus is solely on him/herself, there is no room for another person’s experience, whether that be differing wants/desires and god forbid, any vulnerable feelings. If slightly motivated, the CN will fake empathy, meaning he/she will use the words the partner wants to hear, like “I understand.” As a therapist, if I start scratch away at those surface statements, it won’t take long before I notice that the CN doesn’t understand or feel for the partner’s pain at all; the CN has simply learned the words that will get them out of those frustrating arguments that are temporarily shifting the attention onto their partner rather than themselves.
This person can make you feel like you’re crazy — playing mind games or also known as gaslighting, a CN has a way of continuously acting a certain way with impunity and still find a way to make it your fault or that you are imagining things. If you’re noticing that your self-confidence has eroded over time in this relationship and you’ve lost touch with your instincts that used to be your North Start, then you’re probably in the hands of a CN.
This person’s behavior is not only directed to you — like the grandiose narcissist, the CN tends to be charismatic, aloof, cocky and even exciting. But if you start digging into their past, there is usually a trail of unhealthy relationships — the story is time and again the other person’s fault; the CN had no part in the demise of the relationship. With peripheral social dynamics, like let’s say with work colleagues or a waiter in a restaurant, the CN is often sarcastic, condescending, will make inappropriate or disrespectful remarks. Keep your eyes and ears open to objectively observe how your partner engages with people around them that they have some level of power differential.
What to do if you’re in a relationship with a covert narcissist?
If you recognize that you have been in a relationship with a covert narcissist, get out! If you are too deeply tied to this person, then I recommend that you be in individual therapy with someone who can help you become very clear about your own thoughts, feelings, wants and desires (also know as differentiation) and then it’s all about boundaries, boundaries, boundaries! Lastly, cultivate a strong support system to keep you in check and emotionally resourced will be essential.
